Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
third nipple confirmed
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
