Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
