Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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