hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
