I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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