Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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