While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
