Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize