She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
