I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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