you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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