he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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