how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
