There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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