Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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