don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
