I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
