i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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