New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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