my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
