i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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