If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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