**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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