once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
