i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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