Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
