so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
