Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
