You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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