Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
