I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
what day is it and did you see me today?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
