Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
