Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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