he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
