Sponge bath it is.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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