I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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