if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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