how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
