Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
