I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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