hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
