I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
