I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
