My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
How naked do you want me to be?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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