my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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