They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize