This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
