so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I've blown a few things in my day
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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