1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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