I love black thongs
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I want you more than these girls want KFC
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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