Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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