My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
