Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
