Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
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