Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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