Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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