i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
