By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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