dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize