standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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