News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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